Break Free the Letter by Mervin Budram

I released a video Breaking Free – A fight against pornography. At the end, I extended an invitation to anyone who needs help & I received a letter from someone fighting against pornography. I’m sharing this for the benefit of others who want to break free.

LETTER FROM WRITER: “Hello, sir! I recently watched your video titled “Breaking Free – A fight against pornography,” and at the very end it was stated that if we want to be helped we can contact you. That is what I am doing now. To give you a brief insight on my life, I was raised by two God-fearing parents and I accepted the ways of God. Till the age of 19, I would do my best to serve God. I remember by 17 I was filled with God’s presence one time that i started dancing without control. It was an amazing experience. I would even have pastors, missionaries and evangelist pray for over the years and tell me how God has something in store for me. i just need to keep following Him, They would also prophecy that I would go through troubles but I must remain strong. I still wonder if that blessing that they prophesied is gone now due to my sin. Now, by the age of 19 I was introduced to porn and my walk with God suffered. I am now 20, and its about to be one year with me fighting this addiction. I know, that i am not saved. I have prayed and sought God, and the longest I can go without porn is 18 days (I keep a record). During my intervals of being free from porn I would go to church and seek God’s presence and do my best to fight. However, towards the 11th day I would start giving in to the thoughts and that would be my fault. I am wondering if God can still forgive me even after leaving Him so many times, even though I would seek Him and then leave Him? Or is there a point where it is hopeless and God no longer will help? Any words of advice would be great. Thank you for your time and consideration and for your video. ”

MY RESPONSE: “Firstly I’m proud of you for taking the bold step to seek out help. That’s where freedom starts, by exposing darkness with light. SECONDLY: YES GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU AND HE WILL CONTINUE TO FORGIVE YOU IF YOU CONTINUE TO COME TO HIM. The Bible is filled up with examples of God’s forgiveness (The prodigal son, prostitute Mary Magdalene, King David & many more); BUT Let me start by sharing a little about me. I was exposed to pornography at age 9 by a family member. I was also invited to be on the church worship team at age 9 and like you, I had many prophetic words of God’s great plans for my life. I find it ironic that the same year God called me, my battle against lust & porn started. I went on through my teenage years serving in the church and occasionally messing up with porn. Each time I gave in, I felt shame, disgusted & hated myself for doing it again. I came back to God begging for his freedom, for his forgiveness, promising that I wouldn’t do it again. Days would pass, weeks would pass and I felt, “THIS TIME GOD HEARD ME, THIS TIME I’M FREE, I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE…” then I would find myself giving in again. This went on for years. I started to drift away from God in my heart & not even noticing it. By age 17, I was compromising sexually with females and never really making the connection of how the lust & porn I was giving myself to was affecting how I related with the opposite sex. It all came to a climax at age 18 when I experience a personal crisis in my life & great emotional pain. With my new job in Belmopan City and factoring the mess I was in, I packed everything I owned in a taxi cab and left my home town Dangriga. I decided it was time to start a new chapter and what better place to live than in the city where I worked. Within weeks of moving out of my parents’ house, I found myself in several sexual comprising situations, giving into pornography at work & since I didn’t have cable, I downloaded several clips and would fall asleep watching them and masturbating. Every time the pain of what I was going through came to mind, I would drown it out with pornography.

A long story short, one night I found myself visiting Jubilee Fellowship, a church in Roaring Creek (A village outside of Belmopan). I was sitting at the back row as worship was going on. I knew a lot of the guys there from previous conference, or mission events I attended in my teenage year. Then all of a sudden I saw this image of these guys I knew that was worshiping on the front row and they were all holding up the world in this vision. I said in my heart, GOD I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO HOLD UP THE WORLD. After the service, Pastor Scott Stirm came and hugged me – he knew me from a kid and was aware of the messy situation I was in. He said, you’ve made some bad decisions that’s produced bad fruit in your life, BUT if you desire, I’m willing to work with you to help you get free. Come and talk whenever you are ready. So that night I started my journey of freedom.

There’s lots more to the story but I just wanted to give you an initial background of where God brought me from.

So let’s fast forward a little, I’m currently 31 years old, married to a beautiful wife Ruth and have a gorgeous daughter Chloe, a business owner (www.tasbelize.com), director of Legacy Youth Movement (www.legacybelize.com), director of Roots and Honor creative music group (www.teamrootsandhonor.com) & we’re getting ready to ministry through music & the arts and ultimately I’m starting to walk into the destiny God originally had for me. All the prophesy over my life is starting to come through and I’m humbled and amazed at the power of God. These are all things I thought would never happen because of my failing over and over in the battle against lust and porn. But God is able to complete the good work he started in us (Phil 1:6).

OKAY LET’S CONTINUE YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS FREEDOM…

I will be honest with you, you need to clearly understand that the fight to get free from pornography & lust is not an easy battle and many people settle to stay bound because of how intense, shameful, tiring & relentless the battle can be. Often it will get darker, intense before we start seeing headway. This is simply because while you’re in it, the devil won’t resist you, he will continue to provide the temptation… as soon as you decide to break free, he will fight to keep you bound. BUT those who grab ahold of God and hold on to Him as He love you out will experience a freedom that’s beyond description.

WHY is the battle so intense? The lust of pornography directly affects all aspects of our soul at the same time, which is OUR MIND, WILL AND EMOTION. We feel an urge, we think and mediate on it and the more we think about it the stronger the emotional urge builds. We then make a choice in our heart that we will satisfy the urge. At that point, even though we haven’t acted as yet, it’s just a matter of time until we do. The thing with our WILL is, the more we exercise it, it quickly forms a pattern that forms a habit; then an addiction. IMAGINE bending a metal pipe. The first time you try bending it, it’s hard, but after the first time, it gets easier and easier until it breaks. THAT’S SATAN’S PLAN THROUGH PORN. TO BREAK LIVES, BREAK HOMES, BREAK FAMILIES, BREAK DESTINY AND LIFE. But God’s plan is to mend the broken & set captives free (Isaiah 61)

So there’s several truths and tips I can share with you that I’ve learned over the years but I want to start out here… RECEIVING THE LOVE OF GOD, OUR PAPPA, DADDY to your heart. I’d like to encourage you to meditate on Romans 8. Email me back your thoughts & what God is speaking to you through Romans 8.

TO ALL WHO JUST READ THIS: If you are fighting this area and want God to start the freedom process in your life, Let me pray for you

“Father I bring all those who are struggling and fighting in this area of lust & pornography. Father we ask your forgiveness for grieving your heart and giving in to the deceitfulness of lust & the lies of the devil. Father we acknowledge that we’ve sinned against you. Jesus we acknowledge that you came and died for our sins and for our freedom. We receive you’re your forgiveness a fresh and anew. Lord, I pray that You will help each person to know how much you love them. Jesus, I ask for you to break off the chains of porn and lust over their lives and lead them down the road of freedom. Father, I ask that you would place a hedge of fire around them as they start his journey towards freedom and I as that you keep them from the schemes of the devil. In your precious name. Amen”

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